Parental advice!

Now, if you're a parent having to take up the mantle of teaching yourself, in these very uncertain times, here's what we're able to offer by way of support from afar:

1) You're not allowed to shout at them - good luck!

2) You can't drink at 'work' - and certainly not before;

3) Never threaten anything you can't follow through with - they will soon call your bluff!

4) No bullying. You or them.

5) Give clear regular targets - to aid progress, not to stop them nagging you...

6) No swearing. And good luck with that.

7) If you encounter poor behaviour, you can only send them out of the room for three minutes at a time. When (If?!) you re-admit them, schedule a conflict resolution session.

8) For every critical or negative comment you are forced to make, ensure you balance this out with no less than seven points of praise.

9) If you have more than one child, ensure you differentiate the learning material so that each child can access and achieve in the lesson. Colouring-in doesn't count as differentiation. Except in geography lessons - that's fine.

10) Ensure your child maintains correct uniform at this time. Standards are everything.... even when the uniform of the Apocalypse is only pyjamas and dressing gown.

11) Ask a neighbour from a rival home-school to drop in on you uninvited and observe your lesson through the window (thereby maintaining required social isolation rules). Afterwards, let them spend fifteen minutes telling you all the things you did poorly. Then have them publish their notes in the local newspaper.

12) If you don't feel confident in delivering lesson material, learn it. The internet is there for information just as much as it is for political stirring, good old-fashioned dishonesty, cat pictures and other things!

13) Marking is compulsory and should be done every evening between the hours of 7.30 p.m. to 11.00 p.m. Drinking still isn't allowed.

Now, should you be really enthusiastic about sampling the full experience of the professional teacher, these closing points may help flesh it out:

1) Everyone thinks you're doing a terrible job.

2) Everyone thinks you're bone idle and only work for five hours a day.

3) Stop complaining... you're always on holiday.

4) The Government not only hates you, but it will routinely publish criticism of you as an individual and will misrepresent your profession to encourage everyone else to consider you worthless.

5) Feeling stressed? Yeah, that's an issue.

Most importantly: love and value the kids that are sitting in front of you over the next few weeks, or months - this is a really trying and stressful time, unprecedented in modern times. Try and enjoy it and make the most of it - quality family time is rare in normal life so lets all try and see the positives in this....